Homeless Man Totally
Regrets Not Getting a Subprime Mortgage
New York – Paul McMurty, who
currently resides near the heating system exhaust vent on the corner of
93rd
and Columbus,
really regrets not getting a subprime mortgage before the credit
markets
tightened.
McMurty
met with mortgage
brokers in early 2007, and despite the fact that he lacked a down
payment,
income, a credit history, a social security number, or any form of
identification several lenders were eager to provide him with a loan. “Back in 2007 I would have easily qualified
for an adjustable rate interest only loan,” said McMurty.
“I was just worried that rates would go up,
and I would not be able to make the payments. In
retrospect I should have just gone for it." (more)
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Paul McMurty
wishes he had taken the subprime loans
offered to him, and moved to the suburbs. |
Investment Banker Makes
Elliptical Machine His Bitch
New York
– William
Babner, head of utilities banking for Lehman Brothers, made the
elliptical
machine at Crunch
Gym on 59th and 2nd his bitch.
Since starting a new workout program two
months ago, Babner has really kicked things up a notch, and is pretty
pleased
with the progress that he is making.
“When
I get on that
elliptical machine, I have this attitude that I am just not going to
show any
mercy,” said Babner. “After the workout
I had today, I am not afraid to say that I made that machine my bitch.”
(more)
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U.S. Marine Believes
Iraqis Are Trying to Kill Him
Baghdad
– Lance Coporal, Thomas Kelly, is
convinced that insurgent forces in Iraq are trying to kill him.
“I
have been shot at on 17 occasions, and just last
month I took a small piece of shrapnel in my hand,” said Kelly. “I want to serve my country and protect the
American way of life, but it is hard to keep a positive attitude when
someone
is trying to kill you.” (more)
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Tennessee Man Marries His
Ford F-150 SuperCab
Knoxville
– Emmitt Waltrap, of
Muledike,
Tennessee took his relationship with his
pick-up truck to the
next
level when he married the 1998 Ford F-150 XLT SuperCab in a simple
ceremony at
the local Methodist church.
“Everyone
who knows me knows how
much I love that
truck” said Waltrap. "I
bought her used in 2002 with only 35,000
miles,
and since then I have put over 100,000 miles on her,
and all she
has ever asked for is new tires and brakes.
I wish the women in my
life could
have been as easy on maintenance. When I
lost my job at the feed processing plant, that beautiful truck was all
I had
left. I spent my last paycheck getting her a new paint job." (more)
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Museum of Natural History
Admits Evolution is
Hoax
New York - In response to unrelenting pressure
from Christian
groups, curators of the Museum
of Natural History
admitted today that evolutionary theory is a complete
fabrication. “We have actually known for a long time that there
is no scientific basis
for evolution. None.” admits Rita Singer, Curator of Early Protozoan
Life
Forms. "We just did not want to give in to those right-wing
conservative Christians. It was a matter of pride." (more)
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